Pretty fly Jesus guy
Yes. They did it. They fucking did it. It’s the Bible but “Sugar”-erised. The Bible but refocussed for a Justin Timberlake teen girl market. ABC News review it here (and there’s an excerpt of a typical ‘quiz’ from the book), a few Bible bashers road test it for the Detroit Free Press and the Mefites provide their cynical responses here (there are quite a few gems in there…). All found via Gothamist.
I particularly loved this part of the quiz…
Okay, you’re a little boy-crazy, but not abnormal. Still, you might want to get in the Scripture and refocus on God. Remember all your fulfillment is in Him.
I almost misread that as saying “All your fufillment are belong to Him”. That would be pretty cool actually… turning two thousand years of Christian history in to a meme that can be disposed of as quickly and safely as a crummy Quizilla poll. No, wait, check this out…
Adam, Eve and the snake realised their misdoing. The snake said: “SOMBODY SET UP US THE BOMB!!!” and Eve said “WE GET SIGNAL!”, Adam responded “MAIN SCREEN TURN ON”. The Lord God appeared unto the snake, and Adam and Eve and said: “HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN?!” Then the Lord God said to the snake, “ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!”. And he said to the woman, “YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION.” Adam replied: “WHAT YOU SAY?!” And he said to the man “YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE. MAKE YOUR TIME.” Then the Lord God said, “HA HA HA HA”, and prompty disappeared.
Or maybe we could have…
They went into the house, and when they saw the child with his mother Mary, they knelt down and worshipped him. In response, Jesus popped his head out of the manger and shrieked “WHASSSSUPPPPPP!”. The three wise men responded: “Nothin. Just chilling - watchin’ the game - having a Bud”.
I’ve been thinking up articles for a Biblical magazine like this magazine. Two thousand years of hypocrisy and violence plus my early Catholic school indoctrination brought me the following ideas: “Convert your friends - it’s easy with this ‘just-add-water’ Baptismal pool!”, “Shop till you drop! Find the perfect clothes and accessories for your lunchtime school witch burning.” and “Crush the Mohammadean Tyranny with lip gloss that’ll put a sparkle in to YOUR do-it-yourself Crusades”. It could even have adverts for Virgin Mother Nail Varnish and a stylish Creationist handbag (God made you! And He made this not-too-racy and fairly innocent Gucci knockoff too! Praise Him!).
Fashion could be covered too: “Innocent White - it’s the new Sexy Red”, “Shawls and Baptist Robes - A Buyer’s Guide” and “Your Guide to Non-Offensive Evening Wear”. Not to mention the obligatory “I-Spy the Islamic Heathen!” and “Should I date a Secularist?” (an illustrated article describing what you should do if you meet a yucky-yucky Atheist, Agnostic or non-believer - two words: sacrificial burning).
Yes, the kids aren’t the problem. It’s the upbringing that sucks.
